We must Go

Almost every morning for the last two weeks I have awoken with this song in my thoughts...

God of justice
Savior to all
Came to rescue the weak and the poor
Chose to serve and not to be served

Jesus, you have called us
Freely we have received
Now, freely we will give

We must go
Live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward
Keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

To act justly every day
Loving mercy in every way
Walking humbly before you God

You have shown us what you require
Freely we have received
Now, freely we will give

We must go
Live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward
Keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out...

Lacrosse

So...Yesterday was my first lacrosse practice. I'm coaching freshman girl's lacrosse, and when I say first practice, I mean first practice - ever. I played soccer...not lacrosse. So, needless to say, it's been interesting :) I held a lacrosse stick for the first time on Wednesday, and now suddenly I'm supposed to be able to teach freshman, some of whom have also never played, the rules and strategies and fundamentals of the game. Here's what I know so far - cutting, dodging, switching, cradling, throwing, catching. But when I say "know" I do not mean to suggest "can do" myself! HA! Well, actually, it hasn't been that bad. I've watched some videos, read some books, and the three other coaches are helping. It's fun mostly, but still a little stressful :)

Testimony

This past Sunday I joined my church as an official member!! Very exciting :) I also had the privledge to share my testimony with the congregation. Here goes...

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.

Paul’s words in 1Timothy 1: 15-16 are so true in my life. In spite of my great sin, Jesus showed me mercy so that others might see the Glory of God. It is my hope and prayer that everything I share this morning reflects that God is Good and True and Faithful – that God keeps his promises – and that God is the One and Only Redeemer of terrible sinners like myself. This is my testimony of how God has redeemed my life and drawn myself back to him.

I was raised in a Christian home and became a Christian at a young age. I loved going to church and was eager to learn about God. But I also became good at leading a double life at an early age. Though I was committed to reading the word, fellowshipping with Christians, and attending Christian events, I still had many doors of my heart closed off to God – certain areas were off limits and I wanted to maintain control rather than to submit to God’s word and authority in my life. For many years, I especially resisted submitting and entrusting to God my desire for marriage and intimacy. Thankfully, through God’s faithfulness to me over the last few years, I have learned that I must flee my self-created idols and turn to God – the only One who can ever meet all of my needs.

As I mentioned, for several years, I had become a slave to my idol of relationships and I followed it down a very destructive and sinful path. Throughout college, I was involved in a dating relationship that was not honoring to God. Though God placed many people in my life to gently show me this area of sin, I blindly resisted, believing that somehow I could make this relationship right with God. Now that I have some distance from the relationship, I can see how I was heading down such a deadly path.

But God is so Good and he drew me back to him. This past summer, God changed my life drastically. At this point, I had been engaged for several months, and was fully committed to marrying a man whom I now know God did not intend for me. But in His sovereignty, God persisted with me and allowed me to see a side of my then finance that finally shook and concerned me. After an unexpected change in his behavior regarding his level of commitment and honesty, I ended our engagement and broke off our relationship. Rather than spending the summer planning my wedding, God gave me a summer devoted to listening to His voice, and truly experiencing the Goodness, Faithfulness, and Grace of God.

Although the summer months, and even since then, were difficult and ridden with many emotional ups and downs, I am so thankful for what God has done in life, and I am daily amazed at how He has poured out mercy, grace, and blessing in my life. I feel so blessed by God that He protected me from my sin, even when I choose to persist so long in going my own way.

In the months since our breakup, I have truly experienced God’s love for me, His prodigal daughter. God required nothing of me but a repentant and broken heart. His arms outstretched, He immediately embraced me and restored myself to Him. As God revealed Himself to me and allowed me to trust other Christians again, a renewed desire for Christian fellowship and accountability has grown in my heart. A true testament to God’s power to change hearts is my recent decision to join Cornerstone as an official member. In the midst of my previous relationship, after suffering a lot of hurt and mistrust from Christians and the Church, I had basically told God that I didn’t see myself ever wanting to be part of a church body again, at least not as a member. I was too afraid of getting hurt, and I just couldn’t see how God’s work could be done though such a group of broken people. I now understand that though the church may be made of broken people, just like me, God’s grace is enough to cover all and to redeem His people from their brokenness.

The biggest lesson God has been teaching me is that I can trust His promises and rest in His Goodness. For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29: 11 God wants good things for me, and I can trust His promise, even when I can’t see how it will work out or when I can’t understand why my way won’t work. One of the reasons it was so hard for me to let go of my previous relationship was that I simply didn’t believe that God would be able to do better or that He loved me enough to provide a good life or relationship or husband. In so many ways, God has been showing me that these thought patterns are total lies. God’s true character can be found in Romans 8: 32 He who did not spare his own son, but gave him up for us all – how will he not also, along him, graciously give us all things. It has been so refreshing to be able to rest in God’s promise of Goodness and to believe that God loves me and truly wants good things for me. As God is changing me, I have been able to surrender more and more of what I’ve been clinging to over to God, learning to fully submit my actions, words, thoughts, fears, and dreams to his authority. Though a painful process, I have truly experienced that God is Good. He rescued me from my sin and he is faithfully redeeming all aspects of my life.

Divorse

Recently I have been struck by a very deep sadness due to broken relationships...Obviously I'm carrying my own baggage into this topic, and I'm sure my emotions are not entirely objective, but all around me I see people much too willing to throw away relationships. Granted, there is usually a great deal of hurt feelings, broken trust, and betrayal involved in these break ups. But I just don't get how people can just throw away all the years, all the memories, all the experiences, and all the future plans with out more of a fight...

Here's my case and point...one of the reasons I love my job so much is because of the people - good people who support me, laugh and cry with me, share my passions, and live life with me. On any given day, you will find up to a dozen of us involved in some type of philosophical discussion, curriculum planning endeavor, festive happy hour shenanigans, or wild and crazy adventures in the city, at the beach, or on the road...So many relationships with so many dynamics. And I love them. I depend on them. We depend on each other.

So come this Thursday, I learn that two of the group - the true dynamic duo, the inseparable pair, the best friends of the group - are potentially no longer even speaking to each other outside of professional requirements. Its like they broke up - people are calling it the great divorce... Who knows, maybe they will work it out, maybe they will get over it, maybe they will at least be able to enjoy each others company again even if they never trust again. But maybe not - maybe this is it - the end of an era.

And when I found out - I was in tears...pitiful I know...but I was - am - so sad. I mean it’s bad enough that it was a stupid guy - yes a guy - that got in the middle of it, and then even worse that one friend can't admit she was wrong and apologize, but what really gets me is the acceptance that it is over...Where is the fight? Where is the sacrifice? Where is the forgiveness? Aren’t 3 years worth more than an insignificant guy? Aren't the people you love worth more than the temporary hurt? Am I just a naive, ignorant, romantic to still hold hope in commitment and permanence? I’m not suggesting that people never fight, or hurt each other, or screw up – but I’m talking about perseverance, endurance, growth, faithfulness, unconditional love. That’s what I want – that’s what I’m willing to wait for and willing to aim for.

In the Storm

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again,
I say "Amen"and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I bearly hear
You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise God
Who gives and takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For you are who you are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

I remember whenI stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For you are who you are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

- Casting Crowns

Birthday

I'm 22 today...but I feel like at least 25...so then its like a nice bonus to remember that I've got three extra years...Anyway, it was a good day...third day back to work, but first day with students, only freshman, but still. They are so cute...very scared it seemed, the whole new high school thing, but I'm sure it won't last. Now come the dreaded couple of weeks when I struggle to learn and pronounce 150 new names!! I wish I could just fast forward this part, but then again, it is an invaluable time to get to know the kids and to set the tone.

Overall, these last three days I have just reminded me why I like this job so much! 5 of my kids from last year came to find me and it was so fun to catch up a bit and just to feel special that they wanted to visit :) When I am in my classroom I am soooo in my element, I just love it. I am so comfortable there - I can't wait to get to know my new classes better. Plus, I love love love my coworkers - they are like my second family - so far I have met four new teachers - two English and two math. The math guys are cute and single, which is even more fun :) We all went out for happy hour to celebrate many occasions and, well you know, to happy hour :) Three were celebrating their tenure, one her 5 year anniversary of being cancer free, two their first day as new teachers, and me my birthday. Fun Fun. But alas...an even bigger day awaits me tomorrow. Better get a few winks...

Life's Adventures

Check out my recent life changes and current adventures: As of this June, you may have known that I was living with my parents in NJ, that my father has been seriously disabled by recent back and hip surgeries, that I have completed my first year of teaching at North Hunterdon High School, and that I was engaged to be married next summer. Since June, I have been on a bit of a roller coaster filled with some unpleasant surprises, disappointment, and confusion but also with a growing sense of family togetherness and deep personal thankfulness. I look forward to speaking with you all more personally if we haven’t already had the opportunity to do so, but in the meantime, here are the highlights.

Moving home to reunite with my family after four years away at college has been both a difficult journey and a tremendous blessing. My dad’s heath has been very shaky for a year, but after two back surgeries, two hip surgeries, and a serious staff infection, he is actually starting to recover. The process has been very, very, very slow, and has been incredibly discouraging to him and the whole family, but I can finally say that I do think he is getting better. For a long time, I was very uncertain if he would ever make any positive progress. So, though it has been a difficult road, which is far from over, I am very thankful that he is making progress. And I also feel very blessed that our family has grown so much closer and stronger during this time of stress and trial. While I would never wish this past year on anyone, I also would not trade the family closeness and support we have developed during the last year.

While my dad’s poor heath has been a consistent concern this year, the biggest surprise and disappointment of my summer occurred during the month of July when Harry and I decided to break our engagement. The short version is that Harry began having second thoughts and asked for some time and space to figure things out. When I was not pleased with his level of commitment and honesty, I broke things off. Originally, I had been planning on spending the entire summer living on Long Beach Island in order to be near Harry and to plan the wedding. However at the beginning of July, I ended up coming home to NJ very upset, confused, surprised, angry, etc, etc, etc. In other words, I was rather blindsided by Harry’s change in behavior, and it took me several weeks to begin processing all that had unfolded and how I was going to reclaim my summer and my future. I am making great steps towards my own personal healing and closure. While still sad and a bit angry, I feel very thankful that this happened now as opposed to a few years from now when we were actually married. I still have a ways to go, but I know I have a bright future, and I am looking forward to what God has in store for me.

As far as my future, another surprise (but this time very positive and exciting) occurred just last week at the end of August. If all goes according to plan, by the end of September, I will be a first-time homeowner of a brick, two-bedroom townhouse with a basement, backyard, and garage in Wilson, PA!! It all happened rather quickly, but I am so excited to be starting this phase of my life. While I didn’t originally plan on buying a house for one or two years, I did have very specific requirements for what I would be looking for, and this house has them all plus more. In addition to what I already mentioned above, the house has hardwood floors, central air, and brand new kitchen cabinets. My house is on a well-maintained street (all brick homes), and I am thrilled to be living in a familiar area (5 minutes from where I went to college). Basically, I feel like I am back in my old and well-loved stomping grounds – with nearby friends, family, coworkers, church, restaurants, stores, etc. – but this time with my own house!! I will be continuing at North Hunterdon (where I couldn’t be happier), and my commute will stay the same, just from the opposite direction. And now I will be able to carpool with several fellow teachers. Needless to say, I am on cloud nine – a very pleasant change from where I was several weeks ago…Once again, I just feel so thankful and blessed to see how God is working in my life. Though one door closed in my life, others are opening, and I feel very at peace with my recent major life decisions.

Held

Two months is, too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence
would take a child from his mother while she prays,
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why
should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
to us who have died to live,
it's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
and you survive.
This is what it is to be loved,
and to know that the promise was
when everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it,
let the hatred know our sorrows.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
and you survive.
This is what it is to be loved,
and to know that the promise was
when everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering,
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
and you survive.
This is what it is to be loved,
and to know that the promise was
when everything fell we'd be held.

A few good men

So I got to see two good college friends today, one for lunch and one for dinner, and I must say that I am encouraged to see that there are at least a few good guys left in the world. My lunch buddy just got married to one of them, and I got to hang out with the other one myself. It was really great - just what I needed. I've been saying for a while that I'm not ready for another relationship, but that it would be really nice to be taken out. And that's exactly what he did - opened doors, paid for dinner, took me mini golfing, bought me icecream, shared sparkling conversation - a real date with a real gentleman. Thanks.

Thoughts

I'm having one of those nights when every time I close my eyes, my mind starts wandering to all these different places and I can't seem to calm them down enough to actually sleep. So far I've tried sleeping twice...I even took some Tylenol pm...

at the moment my mind is drifting to...

a few aim conversations I've recently had with a few friends - some close, some estranged, some a bit forced...

a letter I need to write a friend to explain some stuff in hopes of avoiding awkwardness later on...

a new course I am teaching next year and have no materials for as of yet (2 weeks beforehand)...

4 people I've fallen out of touch with and have been meaning to call or write to for upwards of 2 years...

how tired I will be tomorrow if I never fall asleep... (never being a relative term in this case)...

and then the big thought(S) that never really leave, more questions really...how can people break promises so easily, so often, so carelessly? Why do people stop loving other people? How and Why. How and Why. How and Why.

Pets

I love animals :) Right now I have two cats - I never really liked cats much. I always thought of myself as more of a dog person...but you know, things change. My brother always liked cats so when I was in 9th grade, we got two kittens. Now they are almost 9 years old!! Not exactly kittens. But they are great - Phantom is black with some white markings one her face and feet - she’s a bit more petite and shy, but she really likes to be where ever people are sleeping or napping. Malachi is an orange tom cat - he has six or seven toes on all of his paws :) Kinda makes him a freak I guess, but I still love him. He's much bigger, actually kind of fat recently, and he has this annoying habit of humping you when all you are trying to do is cuddle...

Anyway, today I was working at my new desk that has this big shelving unit built on the top of it. And of course Malachi was right there, because he always likes to be in the middle of the action. And he jumped like 4 feet in the air to the top of the shelf. I was impressed enough by that, but then he spent the next 30 minutes pacing back and forth on the top of the shelf trying to figure out how to get down into the shelf layer right below him - kind of impossible, but he wasn't smart enough to figure that out. He kept pacing and bending his head underneath to check things out. Then he might stretch out a paw to see if he could touch the next level, only to pull him self back up and start pacing again. It was really quite hilarious. I wasn't getting any work done! Eventually he got adventurous enough to get half of his body onto the lower level so that he was kind of curved in half with half of his body still up at the top holding on for dear life. There was really no way this was going to work unless he could turn himself into a slinky, but still he didn't give him. Soon there after he fell, one less of his nine lives. And I felt so bad for him, that after consoling him a bit, I placed him up into the little cubby hole of a shelf myself. It probably wasn't as gratifying as getting there himself, but it'll have to do :)

So now I really like cats, at least my cats. I think they are more like dogs, probably because they grew up with a dog - Muffin. Muffin was a big white polar bear of a dog - a Great Pyrenees. She passed away last Christmas, but she was a great dog and pet. I miss her (but I don't think the cats do...).

College Recommendations

So I'm kind of at this weird place in my life at the moment. A recent college graduate, finished one year of teaching, getting out of a very long relationship, thinking about going to graduate school, generally feeling a little stretched in many directions but also feeling like life has so many good possibilities to offer me.

Anyway, like I said, I'm thinking about grad school. At the moment, I like my job a lot, and I don't really want to walk away from it. And I also don't think I'm quite ready for a full time program...But it's pretty fun to think about the options. I've decided that I'm going to start studying for the GREs (in between writing lesson plans, grading papers, and teaching high school English that is :) ). I just pulled out all my anthologies and books and stuff and I'm having fun looking some of my old notes from college. Apparently, for a PhD in English I also need to be proficient in two foreign languages...So, now I'm wishing I had kept up with my French a little more!

So pretty soon I might be asking my college professors to write me some grad school recommendations, which is why today was kind of weird in an ironic sort of way - I just finished writing my first batch of college recommendations for my own students (Three of my honors juniors from last year)! It was a little harder and took a bit longer than I thought it would. But I think they turned out pretty good. Now the decision - do I show them to the students or not? I mean, I will definitely give them a copy in a sealed envelope since colleges prefer confidentially and all, but didn't you always wonder what your teachers wrote about you? I'm leaning towards giving the students their own copy as well. We shall see.

Avoiding Sleep

Today, like many recent mornings, I woke up trying to fend off bad dreams - not really a nightmare or horroresque dream, just that anxiety inducing panic attack kind of dream where you think you missed your final exam or slept through the alarm when it is really a Saturday. Last one I can remember was during a high school musical when I realized I didn’t have a costume for the play scheduled to begin in a matter of minutes. Today it was a mixture of images from high school and college, some people from both, and I was in a car/motorcycle accident - not my fault - which led to an altercation with this old guy (who turned out to be a very influential community member and high school teacher), i.e. apparently he was on the ground after the accident, and I kicked him (not too hard) in the face because he was insulting me. I guess I was (am?) having some anger/aggression issues??? Because that seems a bit out of character for me... Anyway, after I kicked him, I quickly regretted this decision, and attempted to apologize profusely (to no avail) to his wife who was threatening to sue me. Then I think I was persuaded to run away by some of my friends (college) who led me into hiding in the recently night covered backyards of a vaguely familiar neighborhood (college hill??)...But then the next thing I knew I was back at school (high school), where I was suddenly a celebrated hero of many students who thought I had stood up to this evil dictator of a teacher/influential community member while the other teachers, presumably fearing for their lives under the control of this evil dictator, treated me like if I looked at them funny I would be expelled.

I guess it sounds really weird, but honestly, I woke up in a cold panic, desperately afraid to close my eyes again. I don't like being out of control. I don't like feeling angry enough to kick some one in the head. I don't like making decisions that I immediately regret. I don't like people who refuse to listen to me. I don't like running away and hiding. I don't like being praised for unworthy attributes. I don't like be mistrusted. And I don't like these dreams!!!

New Blogger

In efforts to find new creative outlets, I have become a blogger :) So, here goes. My thoughts...flow creative juices flow...okay, well maybe not tonight...but soon!