Today, like many recent mornings, I woke up trying to fend off bad dreams - not really a nightmare or horroresque dream, just that anxiety inducing panic attack kind of dream where you think you missed your final exam or slept through the alarm when it is really a Saturday. Last one I can remember was during a high school musical when I realized I didn’t have a costume for the play scheduled to begin in a matter of minutes. Today it was a mixture of images from high school and college, some people from both, and I was in a car/motorcycle accident - not my fault - which led to an altercation with this old guy (who turned out to be a very influential community member and high school teacher), i.e. apparently he was on the ground after the accident, and I kicked him (not too hard) in the face because he was insulting me. I guess I was (am?) having some anger/aggression issues??? Because that seems a bit out of character for me... Anyway, after I kicked him, I quickly regretted this decision, and attempted to apologize profusely (to no avail) to his wife who was threatening to sue me. Then I think I was persuaded to run away by some of my friends (college) who led me into hiding in the recently night covered backyards of a vaguely familiar neighborhood (college hill??)...But then the next thing I knew I was back at school (high school), where I was suddenly a celebrated hero of many students who thought I had stood up to this evil dictator of a teacher/influential community member while the other teachers, presumably fearing for their lives under the control of this evil dictator, treated me like if I looked at them funny I would be expelled.
I guess it sounds really weird, but honestly, I woke up in a cold panic, desperately afraid to close my eyes again. I don't like being out of control. I don't like feeling angry enough to kick some one in the head. I don't like making decisions that I immediately regret. I don't like people who refuse to listen to me. I don't like running away and hiding. I don't like being praised for unworthy attributes. I don't like be mistrusted. And I don't like these dreams!!!
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2 comments:
As weird as this may sound, I think the dreams are good for you. You're minds telling you it needs to work through some issues and that's what its using the dreams for. As exhausting as it must be it'll probably be healthy for you in the long run . . . Let them take you where they want to . . . don't run from them.
Okay, so that's easier said than done. But, in my own experience pushing myself not to wake up from a nightmare has its rewards. It makes me feel stronger, in control, and usually in the end there's some sort of resolution (whereas me waking up in the middle of a bad dream kind of leaves the resolution hanging).
That's a very interesting perspective - it actually does make sense to me, although, as you indicated, much more easily said than done. But it does kind of put a positive spin on things. I guess I need to try to figure out what I am supposed to be taking from these dreams...
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